Moved to Tears, but still Cranky

(blog by Kim) 

Today, inauguration day, I am feeling a strange mixture of emotions—inspiration that has brought me to tears, alongside crankiness that provokes some serious complaints. (In one of Stan’s recent blogs, he confessed that he is cranky; I suspect it may be contagious). The inaugural songs, the poetry, the prayers, the speeches— they were all delivered so beautifully, with so much passion and integrity, that I could not help but be caught up in the euphoria of the moment (accompanied by a sense of relief that no violent actions materialized). 

So why complain? Why be cranky on such a day of celebration? At least part of it was the thread of American exceptionalism woven throughout the ceremony. (This was the theme that Stan had written about in that last blog, a topic I also heard critiqued by a writer for the New York Times on Morning Edition a while ago).  This fervor of belief in the civil religion of American Democracy had a chorus of voices on the night of Jan 6th, with Senator after Senator contrasting the ideal America with what had transpired in the Capitol, saying time and time again, “That is not America!” “That does not represent us,”  I began to say to myself then, “No, this IS America and we are all part of what’s happened.” This act happened in America, by Americans and toward Americans. Marginalizing the mob and focusing on them as “fringe” helps us avoid the responsibility we all bear for having created the conditions that produce this kind of violent action.  

The chorus of exceptionalism that sounded that night of the riot culminated in the inaugural ceremony. We so want to be better, to embody our ideal self. But a casual glance at some social network feeds reveals that some folks in the larger circle of our own family and family of faith were not convinced to join the mighty chorus; they still cling to the lies and the rage and the illusions that boiled over on January 6. I suspect they represent a fairly significant sector of our society. 

What has surfaced in the United States is an unsavory and frightening pressure cooker full of loss, rage, fear and revenge. Losing privileges we thought to be rightfully ours. Rage at feeling cheated and unheard. Fear of change and what we don’t know. And a quest for revenge to provide an outlet for all of these powerful emotions. These are emotions we all share; they are not endemic to extremists. They surface in personal relationships and work places and in religious communities and political groups. Sometimes these powerful emotions look for someone to blame and turn into ugly bigotry toward others, particularly people who are different. Sometimes they turn inward, as the internal voices of despair and judgment and blame blare out and we end up depressed. Sometimes they seek to cover our fears by lashing out and fighting what is perceived to be injustice.  

In that fight, our fiery emotions can come to control our decisions and short circuit our reasoning capabilities. We are vulnerable to become attached to an ideal which may be true or false, but once our emotions are attached, the truth of what we are bound to doesn’t matter. We are already being controlled by our emotions. We end up saying and doing things that don’t make sense, that harm others and ourselves. I have seen way too much of these emotions running rampant, not just in the horrific attack on the Capitol,  but I have also seen them go viral in political speeches from elected officials and the responses on social media. I have also felt them roar inside my own heart and feel a desire to lash out at others or lash inwardly at myself. I am at a loss, literally and figuratively. 

I feel loss for this country, a loss of my ideal that we can make a better tomorrow, as much as I would like to believe that. I feel the idealism crumbling away as I see an increasingly harmful, personal and vengeful manner of debate on both public and private levels. I don’t have any answers. I have less hope than I used to that we can “come together” as a country. I think our country needs a lot of group and individual therapy, myself included. I don’t have any answers, but even though I don't have a lot of faith that "I" or "we" can construct a better world, I will still cling to a hope, a defiant hope that is beyond my strength, that is in the presence and transformative love of God.